I Just Want To Scream

(Scream, Collective Soul)

Right now I am sitting in theory, not listening to the lesson. That is really bad. I need to know this stuff, and I don't really understand it, but I can't seem to pay attention, no matter how hard I try. Even when I try to pay attention I just fall asleep. That can be blamed on how badly I've been sleeping lately, I guess. Last night I was awake intermittently all night long. I worry far too much. I worry about people that I barely know, and I worry about school, and I worry about things that might not even happen, and things that might not even matter. What it boils down to is that I am downright neurotic. Pretty much.

I can't sleep. I begin to think that maybe this is journal stuff, rather than posting to the internet stuff. Then again, it doesn't matter. People are probably even less likely to read this. Whatever. I can't handle anything right now. I just want to scream.

Somehow I Know That There's Much More To Come

(Whisper, Evanescence)

I am so stressed. Everything is going on at once. Masterclass, which I just found out is for guest guy terrifies me... Because I'm not ready at all. I have to do my education essay and I don't even have a topic yet. I have to do my history essay and I have never even heard the piece that I'm writing about before. I have to do my education presentation. I have a skillz dictation coming up, which I am not ready for, mock auds in two weeks, and I'm sure there's something else I am forgetting. Programming assignments every week... I seriously can't handle all of this. I think maybe I might have to drop out of programming. No computer science minor for me. But... I'll tough it out. I'm smart enough for this. I know it. I think low sleep and bad nutrition are just making me cranky.

Besides that... I've been reading a book on and off since the beginning of the school year, and I just don't have the time to get into it... It seems like it would be fascinating, though. It's called This Is Your Brain on Music: The Science Behind a Human Obsession. Thus far it hasn't gotten into the really juicy stuff, but it's about what happens in the brain because of music. Why music has the power to make us all teary and whatnot, and how it affects people. (Remembering my rant about sad songs... I should continue that, come to think of it. It's a good rant.) Honestly, really really interesting. I wish I wasn't drowning in work so that I could read it.

Every Day I Work So Hard...

(Dazed and Confused, Led Zeppelin)

Okay, so I fail at life. And by life I mean music history. I don't get it. I just can't absorb the information. I studied my butt off for a week and a half, and simply could not absorb the information that I needed on the midterm. I sat down, and stared at the questions for a ridiculously long time, and the information just would not come to me. I wonder if that's something to do with learning styles? Some people can't remember numbers and things... I don't remember dates, names... song titles... composers... All in all, I'm in rough shape, in a music history class. It actually makes me really mad. I read the stuff over and over, highlight the text book, rewrite my notes, and I just can't remember the information the next day. It's like my brain just rejects dates and historical events.

I also can't figure out theory... Which is pretty frustrating as well. I'm not as worried about that, because at least I have a few chances, instead of just three gigantic tests of my ability. I definitely have to get on the history essay really early this year, because it looks like it will carry my grade this term. Ew. Well... I guess all I can do is try... and hope there is someone around to kick me in the ass when I slack off.

I'm One Card Short Of A Full Deck...

(I'm Going Slightly Mad, Queen)

I was once really excited about playing Carmina Burana in wind ensemble. You would think that such a cool piece would be really fun to play... Here's a life lesson: Third trombone parts are almost never interesting. Ever. It kind of sucks. A lot.

In other news... I think I am going to explode from the workload this year. Seriously... All my music stuff, plus computer science, which has a ridiculous amount of class time. Labs, lectures... Six hours a week. On top of music stuff. It's enough to make a person go mad. If I keep missing programming lectures, I'm going to fail... But likewise, if I go all the time I'll go nuts.

You Know It Makes Me Want To Cry [Part II]

(Isn't Love Strange, Moody Blues)

I once got off on a list of songs that can make me cry... I realize that I am obsessed with such songs. Many people are. I wonder what it is about some people, that they just like to make themselves sad? It's the same with sappy chick-movies. My all-time favourite movie is possibly the saddest movie I have ever seen in my life. I have never, not once, sat through that movie without crying at least once. What Dreams May Come, with Robin Williams. I highly recommend this movie to my imaginary audience. (I guess Lee might read this, if I use it for my ed. journals. Whatever. I talk to myself.) Seriously... if you're in the mood for a good cry, sit down and watch this movie.

Anyway, I got off on a tangent. I was going to talk about some really sad songs.

This is my original list. I'll just expand on it a little.

• Into the West - Annie Lennox

This song is from the soundtrack of the third Lord of the Rings movie. It's a brilliant song, if you know the reference. Annie Lennox just has such a powerful, emotional voice, it really suits this song. It's sung to a dying person, assuring them that they'll meet again, and that the person is safe, and just going to sleep. I can't do it justice by explaining it... The lyrics won't do it a lot of justice either, but it's the best I can do.
Lay down / your sweet and weary head. / Night is falling, / you have come to journey's end. / Sleep now, / and dream of the ones who came before. / They are calling / from across a distant shore. / Why do you weep? / What are these tears upon your face? / Soon you will see / all of your fears will pass away. / Safe in my arms, / you're only sleeping. / What can you see / on the horizon? / Why do the white gulls call? / Across the sea / a pale moon rises. / The ships have come to carry you home, / and all will turn / to silver glass. / A light on the water, / all souls pass. / Hope fades / into the world of night, / through shadows falling / out of memory and time. / Don't say / we have come now to the end. / White shores are calling. / You and I will meet again, / and you'll be here in my arms, / just sleeping. / What can you see / on the horizon? / Why do the white gulls call? / Across the sea / a pale moon rises. / The ships have come to carry you home, / and all will turn / to silver glass. / A light on the water, / grey ships pass / into the West.
Knowing the reference in that one helps a lot. The line "All will turn to silver glass, a light on the water, grey ships pass into the West" is a sort of quote from the Lord of the Rings. Gandalf is talking to Merry about death and says "No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it... White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise." I just was touched by it.

• Lips of an Angel - Hinder

Also sad. Not one that would make me cry, though. It's a phone conversation, only hearing one side of the conversation, a guy talking to his ex-girlfriend who has called him late at night, and both saying that they miss each other, and never really moved on, but they can't talk, because they both have someone else, and can't go back. It's kind of sad.
The chorus: It's really good to hear your voice saying my name. / It sounds so sweet / coming from the lips of an angel, / hearing those words, it makes me weak. / And I never want to say goodbye, / but girl you make it hard to be faithful / with the lips of an angel.

• The Freshman - The Verve Pipe

I had to really think about it before I understood this one, but once I did, I realized it was pretty tragic. It's a guy remembering old relationships, one where the couple either had to get an abortion or get married, and the guilt from that, and the other where the girl killed herself. The first verse is the really meaningful one for me. When I was young I knew everything, / She a punk who never took advice. / Now I'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor. / Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice.

• Jumper - Third Eye Blind

This one is obvious... It's a friend trying to talk a friend out of killing himself. Sad by definition.
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend. / You could cut ties with all the lies that you've been living in. / And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand.

• Try, Try, Try - Smashing Pumpkins

I actually have no idea what this song is actually about. I don't remember. The only time I have ever heard it was while I was watching the music video, which really distracts you from the contents of the song. The only lyrics I actually remember are "try to hold on" because it's repeated a bunch of times. The video, though is absolutely tragic. Youtube it. It's VERY sad. It's about a homeless couple, the girl is pregnant, she ends up selling herself for drug money, shooting up in a bathroom, and having a miscarriage, and being toted off to the hospital. Watch it. It is really, really tragic. This actually happens! This is real life stuff! ...I cried. I am not too big to admit it.
Alright, this is getting really long. I'll discuss the merits of sad songs again some other time. I definitely will, too. I'm thinking really hard about this now.

You Know It Makes Me Want To Cry, Cry, Cry...

(Isn't Love Strange, Moody Blues)

All this talk of getting old
is getting me down, my love.
Like a cat in a bag,
waiting to drown,
this time I'm coming down.
And I hope you're thinking of me
as you lay down on your side.

Now the drugs don't work,
they just make you worse,
but I know I'll see your face again.

But I know I'm on a losing streak
'cause I passed down my old street.
If you want a show,
then just let me know
and I'll sing in your ear again.

Now the drugs don't work,
they just make you worse,
but I know I'll see your face again.

'Cause baby,
if heaven calls, I'm coming too.
Just like you said,
if you leave my life
I'm better off dead.

The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve/Radiohead?

Now that's most of the lyrics to that song, removing most of the repetition. Quite frankly the repetition doesn't mean a lot, in text... And I'm not sure who it's by. I thought it was Radiohead, but the internet doesn't seem to think Radiohead ever did this song. So I can only assume it's the Verve. That's beside the point. That song actually makes me want to cry. I want to know what about a song touches a person so deeply. Really, I have very little in my life that I can relate to this song with. As far as I can tell, the song is about someone who is very sick, or hurting very badly, and nothing will help them get better. The line that really gets me though, is If heaven calls, I'm coming too. Just like you said, if you leave my life I'm better off dead. That is so sad! Maybe I'm just being a silly, sappy girl... But if I listen to this song in the right mood, it will actually make me cry. I want to know what can do that to a person. I actually just have a fascination with songs that can evoke such strong emotions in people. I think I might be more susceptible to that kind of thing than a lot of people... There are actually some orchestral pieces that have literally brought me to tears. Why?

There's a book I accidentally wandered across in Chapters a while ago, called This is Your Brain on Music: The Science Behind a Human Obsession. It sounds FASCINATING. I wish I had the time to start reading it... But alas, class forbids it. Maybe next summer. For now it will collect dust on my bookshelf.

Freedom's Just Another Word For 'Nothing Left To Lose'

(Me and Bobby McGee, Janis Joplin)

I am so glad to be back in Waterloo. I missed doing ensemble things. The Citizen's band just doesn't do it for me. I can't deal with sitting around for two and a half hours every week while George woodsheds with the clarinet section. Now, I don't mean to be mean or anything. I just haven't got the patience to play in a community band where the people who play well get ignored and those that don't ever practice just spend the whole time woodshedding as a group. Not patient enough for that. Oddly enough, I am really glad to be back in the place where you just get yelled at for not practicing. Or failed. It's nicer. Wierd, eh?

I am finally back to having my own life. I love it. It's really hard to go from not answering to anyone, and having no one know or care where you go at night to being back in a family unit, and trying to be a decent person, and let people know what you're doing and all that jazz. It's hard. I'm glad to be back. I missed the building, and the people, and all the craziness that is not working at Tim Horton's. I couldn't deal with that my whole life. Maybe that's why I am so glad to be back. My job was eroding my will to live. That's certainly what it felt like.

I can't wait until we get really into ensemble. We're playing Carmina Burana, which I LOVE. I think it will be a lot of fun. And probably really hard. Ah well! Awesome part: No piano proficiency this year! Woo!

Okay, I have places to be, and things to do. Like sleeping. More tomorrow!

You're Not Listening Now, Can't You See?

(Empty Apartment, Yellowcard)

I wonder what it that makes a person so easy to ignore? Some people just get talked around, as if they aren't even there. I'm sure people have seen it happen. I think that people will rarely notice it. I am one of those people that, in conversations, get talked around, interrupted, and generally ignored. I re-met someone yesterday that actually spoke directly to me, and it really caught me off guard. It is a little sad that I have become so used to conversations going on around me (regardless of whether or not I try to be a part of them) that I am surprised when someone actually speaks to me. An example: When people are reminiscing, most of the time I will be listening to their story, completely lost as to what happened or what the memory is about. Most of the time I will ask a couple of times what they are talking about, or to hear the story, and then fade back into the background when no one deigns to explain it to me. This is not only random people, this is true of some of my best friends. Don't get me wrong, I am not criticizing them. It's just who they are, combined with who I am, I suppose. Is it just that I have a weak presence in a room? Do I just not demand attention like most people do? Maybe it's just in my nature; just part of being the way I am. Maybe people pick up on that without realizing it, and react accordingly in conversations. Maybe I am just overthinking this, as I do everything else, and it's just that people don't really like me, or think that I can contribute to their conversation. I realize that it is everyone that does it, though. My family, my friends; people that love me. People that choose to spend time with me. Why would they chose to spend time with me if they consciously thought that I was of no worth in conversation? I guess I just exude bland, uninteresting-ness. Maybe that's just me.

I Remember Every Little Thing As If It Happened Only Yesterday

(Paradise By The Dashboard Light, Meatloaf)

Book that I highly recommend: The Game, by Neil Strauss. I started reading it last night, and I am in love with it. It's competing hard for the title of my favorite book. Read it. It's fascinating, and entertaining, and all that good stuff.

Anyway... So I'm back at home, and working, and all that jazz. As I suspected, the place where my Dad works did not even call me, because I am a girl... My brother got a call. You know how it is. Girls can't work in plants. It's dirty and smelly. Whatever. I am bitter.

The Badly Planned Road Trip went spectacularily. We didn't even die in a horrible car wreck, even though the car needed $1500 of work done to it when we got back. Disconnected struts and a cracked ball-joint... For the record, it was like that before we left. (I'm serious!) So apparently we were lucky to have made it at all. It was a good time, though. We went to Ottawa, and stayed at Cassie's family's house, and then to Montréal, where we stayed in an interesting (but cramped) youth hostel. It was neat. I spent a lot of time playing (fighting) with Cassie's family's dog... It made me miss Kaos. I want my puppy. :(

Bryan is finally moved into my place. His stuff is still sitting in boxes, with nothing done to it aside from it being slightly messed up from the times when he started digging through it because he needed something. (I am guessing at this last part... It's pretty likely, though.) He claims that the floor is crooked, and that the ceiling is too low, which it is, but it's not a bad little place.

Bryan is coming to the Tetris party... We're going to sit around, (four of us,) and play Tetris until our eyes bleed. Actually, we're playing until we beat the game. We'll do it. It can actually be done, because it's the N64 version. Winning does exist in that game.

I got my final grades back, finally. I have to take theory again, which upsets me quite a bit. I think otherwise my school schedule should remain unchanged, aside from bumping theory back a year, which will be a pain in the ass. I got a D in theory, but I needed a C+, because music is an honours program. It stresses me out.

I forget all the other stuff I was going to talk about... So I'll just cut it off here.

I Got a Disease Deep Inside Me

(Disease, Matchbox 20)

I think I'm dying. I have the worst immune system ever. If I didn't know that AIDS takes so long to manifest, I would swear that I had it. Random enourmous bruises cropping up, my awesome bronchitis cough back for another spin, after having been around for a solid two months only a few weeks ago, with pink eye and cold sores on top of that. It's a wonder my piercings haven't got infected yet. I am so tired of being sick... I just want to sleep for like a month, and hope it goes away. In the meantime, I will continue to work myself to death.

I'll Never Have That Recipe Again

(MacArthur Park, Richard Harris)

Finally. The essay from hell is over. I don't know what to do with myself, now.

That's a lie. I have to get better at theory and skillz... and playing. That is what I have to dedicate my time to now.

I want to make cookies, though. Perhaps a saner thing to do when bored, no?

I am so desperately tired, though. I can't seem to fit all the crap I have to do into the hours of a day. Admittedly, that is because I organize my time so badly, but it's still stressful. I think the only solution is to stop reading this dense theory junk, and start baking. Good plan.

Let it Snow

(Let It Snow, Anon.)

So, I have wasted this entire day. What are snow days for, right? I can't say that I didn't enjoy it... I just really feel like it was wasted. I practiced an hour, and that was the only productive thing I did, all day. I was in bed until around 14:30, and then sat around watching House and Borat until 17:00. I ate dinner, practiced, and read a book. Now here I am. Sounds like a total waste of 24 hours to me.

Then again, I did get to spend time with someone whom I care about very much... and can that really be called wasted time? Well... I'm being super sappy, now. :P I realize that anything else I have to say at the moment would be further sap... So that's enough.

It's Been A While...

(It's Been a While, Staind)

So, it's been forever since I've posted. I've been slacking off.

So, recent events. Just go back into Waterloo, from reading week. That was an adventure. Spent a lot of time evading my family, (or so they tell me,) and much time working. It was uninteresting. As much as I don't really like school right now, working at Tim Horton's for the rest of my life would make me kill myself. No lie. I wouldn't be able to handle that. I can't imagine how people do that, their entire lives. It just baffles me.

Moving on... There was less awkwardness on reading week than I expected. I really thought that between Bryan and my parents, me and Bryan's dad, and Bryan and Marcy, there would be unending awkwardness, all the time... But it didn't happen, so much. There was a little... but I expected anger, conflict, and general insanity. There was very little of any of those things.

I guess this is lining up to be a pretty mindless entry... One of the boring, life-updating sorts that no one cares about.

Oh! For anyone reading this that is not privy to all the goings-on in my life because I tell them verbally, (which is probably no one, as Mason is the only one I know of that ever even looks at this,) Bryan is the new squeeze, I guess. If you want to say that. Much madness has ensued, as a result. Marcy is quite upset about it, but we have worked out that he needs some time and will get over it. Someone else, who was apparently in love with Bryan previously, is telling me that she is not mad... But I really have no idea.

That's THAT news... Um... I'm out of things to say that aren't crazily personal. I'll make up for it later, by being less boring.

It's Not Sane...

(No Rain, Blind Melon)

Holy fuck. I can't believe I'm still awake. I haven't been to bed before 04:00 at all this week, but this is just ridiculous. I hate not being able to sleep. HATE it. Today is going to be a long day, I'm sure. Jazz until 22:00. LONG day.

I have been doing some serious thinking. You might even border to call it soul-searching. I need to get away from outside influences. I need to go out and be a hermit for a little while. Just think, without people telling me their opinions. I wish I could take off for a week. A weekend, even. I have come to accept that Marcel and I will almost definitely not get back together. I still wish that it would happen, but I know that it likely won't. I am trying to find what I believe, and I can't let what I want myself to believe, for him, get in the way of that.

What I really want to do is go off on a vision quest, in a manner of speaking. Maybe not exactly that, but something along those lines. I need to get away from everything. All distractions and outside influences. I know it won't happen. Maybe I should take a weekend, and just go somewhere. I wish I could. I wish I could afford it, and I wish I could spare the time from the rest of my life. I want to say the important parts of my life, but what is more important? Knowing who I am and what I think, and my own identity, or having some money now? I guess that's a matter of perspective. For my physical well-being, work is more important. I'm not sure if I value my mental, emotional and spiritual well-being below that. Maybe I will just run off for a while. I doubt it. But it would be nice.

You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy

(You May Be Right, Billy Joel)

It's interesting to note the impressions that I give to people, upon having known them for very little time. To Tyler, I come off as creepy. To Dice, (who's real name I forget,) I come off as calm and apathetic. I actually don't know how other people view me, as much as I would like to. I don't want to ask, because that would just seem strange. I don't mind being strange, to a point. I'm okay with being the entertaining kind of strange, that people like to be around because they're quirky. I don't want to be the awkward kind of strange that people are afraid to talk to, because they are analyzing everything they say. (While that is probably closer to the truth, it's not how I'd like to be percieved... People don't make friends that way.)

I kind of wonder what people think, after I leave, or after they have just spoken to me. Do they shudder and try to forget it, or what? It would be interesting to know stuff like that. I don't know maybe I'm just nuts.

Won't Somebody Please Take Me Home?

(Damn Cold Night, Avril Lavigne)

So, the bunch of us went to see a house today... Three of us had already seen it, and loved it. The last two saw it today, and liked it a lot. We decided this evening that we were going to live there. We called the landlord, to say we would sign the lease tomorrow. He told us a group was coming to do that tonight.

I am enraged. I was all prepared to sign today, but we had to wait for David to talk to his father, so we couldn't sign. If this happens again, I will just sign the damn thing myself. FUCK. I am really mad.

I don't really have anything to say, aside from further expressing my homicidal rage.

We're continuing our house shopping tomorrow, I think. There had better be something good.